


I Aganist Me

by Mycatshuman



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Past platonic anxceit, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:21:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26047201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mycatshuman/pseuds/Mycatshuman
Summary: In which I project into Virgil once again.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Kudos: 10





	I Aganist Me

_ "Tell me why you're holding me back _

_ Tryna push me off the right track _

_ And I'm wishing so bad you would leave me alone _

_ Why you're blurring out my vision _

_ So I'd go make the wrong decision _

_ But I know that you'll never be gone" _

\---------

Virgil and Janus used to be good friends. Really good friends. The kind of friends who would do anything for each other. But their friendship grew to be unhealthy. Toxic even. And when Janus "Self-Care" Sanders asked Virgil if he could find any reason why they should continue to be friends, Virgil realized, then more than ever, that he had to let go. He loved Janus. He was one of the best friends he had ever had. And in the words of Brendon Urie:  _ "If you love me let me go-"  _ Virgil let Janus go. 

That didn't make it hurt any less. 

\---------

_ "I'm blaming you that I've been cruel and mean to all my friends _

_ Cuz I've become so rude and now another friendship ends _

_ But now I started seeing clearer _

_ I saw your face up in the mirror _

_ Yes I'm the one to blame" _

\--------

Virgil shattered. 

He knew it was his fault. Who else could have caused this. Janus was big on self-care. If he had issues, he went to see a therapist, but Virgil, oh Virgil, he wouldn't. Dare he say he couldn't? Therapy cost money, money that he couldn't really spare. 

But he could have done better. He could have listened to Janus when he told him to get help. But he didn't. Why exactly, he didn't know. Stubborn? Lazy? Most likely. But he did try to keep his problems from Janus. Keep them tight to his chest. He couldn't burden others with his issues. He should have known better. 

\--------

_ "That's why I bang my head against the wall _

_ Cuz I don't like myself at all _

_ Wish that I could cut all the ties _

_ And now my life is such a tragedy _

_ Cuz I'm my biggest enemy _

_ I can't look myself in the eyes _

_ It's I against me _

_ I against me _

_ I against me _

_ (I, Me... I)" _

\---------------

Virgil isolated himself. He thought it would help. He really did. It only succeeded in making himself feel lonely. So lonely that he didn't feel like he could ever reach out. He didn't feel like he could bring up events in his life. From time to time he did, on things he didn't feel alone in dealing with, but when he felt truly and utterly alone, he didn't reach out. He couldn't reach out. That eventually led to possibly one of the biggest mistakes in his life. 

\---------------

_ "I'm hurting everyone around me _

_ And I'm regretting it profoundly _

_ But I finally see that the reason is you _

_ Another day another struggle _

_ Because I'm always causing trouble _

_ And I hate what you're making me do" _

\----------

Janus did not see their relationship as healthy. Virgil couldn't think of any reason for them to be friends other than he wanted to and he felt less lonely when talking to Janus. Even when he isolated himself, talking to Janus sometimes made him forget. But Virgil knew he was just being selfish. He was stifling Janus. Janus deserved a much better friend than Virgil could ever be. 

And when Janus got cold feet, Virgil took over and let go. Better he deal with all the guilt than his friend. Ex-friend. 

Self-loathing wasn't far behind. 

\----------

_ "I'm blaming you that I've been cruel and mean to all my friends _

_ Cuz I've become so rude and now another friendship ends _

_ But now I started seeing clearer _

_ I saw your face up in the mirror _

_ Yes I'm the one to blame" _

\-----------

Virgil had cried himself to sleep the night before, "to sleep on his thoughts" Janus had suggested, he ended up with a stuffy nose before finally falling asleep. He didn't think he would be able to cry anymore after it actually ended but he supposed things do always go the way you think they do. He didn't think he would be the one to actually leave. It was just one more thing for Vitgil to blame himself for. Maybe it wasn't exactly a healthy thing to do but, Virgil needed to realize the truth. This was his fault, no one else's. He was the one to make the friendship toxic. No one else but him. He was told to get help and he didn't. His dad and stepmother were right, he didn't know how to change. 

\-----------

_ "That's why I bang my head against the wall _

_ Cuz I don't like myself at all _

_ Wish that I could cut all the ties _

_ And now my life is such a tragedy _

_ Cuz I'm my biggest enemy _

_ I can't look myself in the eyes _

_ It's I against me" _

\--------------

Virgil had dealt with friendships end before. He really couldn't think of anyone he knew who had ever stayed his friend throughout his whole life. There were people who went and came back and then went again. There were people who were friends but more out of obligation like they were family or they had no else at the time and needed someone. Virgil had had a few friends throughout his lifetime but never really any best friends. At least not ones where it didn't seem one sided. He should have realized the ending of his friendship with Janus was going to hurt a whole lot more than the ones before. 

\--------------

_ "Me against I _

_ A torturous battle _

_ A one-sided fight _

_ I'm willing to lose if it means _

_ That I win in the end _

_ Now the war is on _

_ As we both collide _

_ I just hope I will survive" _

\-----------

Virgil sat in his room. He couldn't go to his mom or aunt. He couldn't let them know what happened. He could deal with this on his own. There wasn't a rule that dealing with something on one's own required them to actually be able to handle the crushing weight of emotions pushing him down into the ground. 

Movies sometimes depicted people talking to their siblings if they couldn't or didn't want to go to an adult when they were hurting. But his brother wouldn't understand and he couldn't trust him not to tell anyone. And his sister...well, he hadn't heard from her in a while. He wasn't sure why, if it was because she thought he had been in on it when their brother set up a group video call and added their mother or if it was because of the letter. 

He had said things about their mom in the letter, hoping to get the 4 year silence between them to end, but maybe it was what he had confessed at the end of the letter that had stopped their communication. Maybe it wasn't the right idea to come out as Bi in a letter but how else was he supposed to be certain only his sister would hear? 

Yes, Virgil was trying to distract himself from the events of earlier that morning by thinking of other things that upset him. Not healthy but it kept him from crying for the most part so he counted it as a win. Except nothing could ever seem like a win on that day. More like a consolation prize. Like, "Hey you woke up today! You get to breathe!" But eventually, he would have to let reality run him over. 

\-----------

_ "That's why I bang my head against the wall _

_ Cuz I don't like myself at all _

_ Wish that I could cut all the ties _

_ And now my life is such a tragedy _

_ Cuz I'm my biggest enemy _

_ I can't look myself in the eyes _

_ It's I against me" _

\---------------

Virgil often wondered what was wrong with him. Why some things didn't seem to make him react the ways others did. He really wished someone would just tell him everything that was wrong with him and why so he could fix it all. Most of the time when he tried to fix things he had messed up with before, he only ended up making things worse. It happened when he lived with his dad and now he was living with his mom. 

He wanted to change. Really, he did. At least he thought so. But people were telling him he wasn't changing. And of course they had to be right. He really wasn't changing. He was just fooling himself into believing he was. And he had fooled other people into believing he was. His mom was right, he really was manipulative. 

\---------------

_ "Bang my head against the wall _

_ Cuz I don't like myself at all (Ohh) _

_ Wish that I could cut all the ties (Ohh) _

_ And now my life is such a tragedy (It's I Against Me) _

_ Cuz I'm my biggest enemy (Ohh) _

_ I can't look myself in the eyes (Ohh) _

_ It's I against me" _

\------------------

_ Maybe _ , Virgil thought.  _ Maybe I'm not supposed to have friends. I don't deserve them and they deserve better than me.  _ Tears spilled fast and heavy from Virgil's eyes.  _ Maybe I was just meant to be alone.  _

\------------------

_ "I against me _

_ I against me" _


End file.
